See Kids This Is Why We Don't Bottle Up Our Goddamn Emotions
by crystal-gays
Summary: It should have been alright. You won! You finally got to go home after three long years. But three long years of having bigger things to worry about than your own personal shit and suddenly having no distractions whatsoever can really fuck a kid up. A post-SBURB thing I came up with where John has to actually face his emotions instead of flat out ignoring them as he tends to do.
1. Chapter 1: The Issue At Hand

So I'm fucking dumb and screwed the chapter formatting up so far beyond repair that i deleted the story, but now its back and better than ever so hell yeah.

Enjoy!

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It should have been alright. You won! You finally got to go home, after three long years. Well, to your new home, that is. The universe that you and your friends created, and that you were technically gods of. After spending what felt like an eternity fighting just to escape the mess that was SBURB, none of you really felt up to the task of actually ruling an entire planet, let alone your universe. So you just existed, and let it exist. And you simply lived.

But that was kind of the problem here. While it was relaxing just living comfortably with those you risked so much with, the lack of impending doom or a need to do something particularly important left an emptiness that you couldn't quite shake. It was instead beginning to be filled with the realization that everything had changed, the life that seemed to be simultaneously mere moments ago and centuries behind you would never return. The lack of dreambubbles left nightmares in its wake, what would be a concoction of jumbled memories and scrambled thoughts now replaced by very real horrors that you actually experienced. And not unexpectedly, you didn't like it. Not one bit. Despite being used to nightmares, your late start on Prospit ensuring that, those old dreams were nothing like these. It used to just be the occasional falling dream, or some obviously fantastical giant mutant spider attack, or something along those lines. Those dreams were easily disregarded as simply fake, and you would move on after a few moments of regaining your calm. These, however, these were very real. Because of this fact, you weren't exactly sure how to deal with them. It's not like you could say they're not real and move on, that would be a lie you wouldn't be able to convince yourself of, because that's stupid and denying three very real years of your life.

Maybe that was why they bothered you so much. Or maybe they bothered you because they served as reminders of issues that you may or may not have been putting off since the moment they occurred. You had things to do in those moments, after all. And as the friendleader of your session and the happy personality you had become so reputable for, you couldn't let grief or similar negative emotions get the best of you. But now there was nothing. No distractions, no quests or missions, no impending doom or other offer of a more important event to prioritize over yourself. That was another thing you didn't really like. You preferred to take care of everything else before accommodating for your own needs and problems. That's what you were there for! You were there for your friends when they needed you. Everything else could wait. You suppose that tactic should be updated soon, because now there was nothing to wait for. There was only you, and it was absolutely terrifying.

You guess this tactic had taken a noticeable toll on you, because it wasn't long before you started getting bugged about it.

 **\- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 12:42 -**

 **TG: hey man**

 **TG: usually not the one to bring this shit up but like**

 **TG: is something bugging you lately**

 **TG: cause your usually exceedingly chipper ass has become slightly less excruciatingly flamboyant and peppy all of a sudden**

 **TG: rose is bustin out the goddamn psychology journals**

 **TG: not like it takes much for her obsessive ass to do so but its still like woah shit**

 **TG: egbert must have somethin going on if lalonde is taking time off of macking on her hot alien girlfriend for two goddamn seconds to revert back to her weird and invasive psychoanalysis tactics**

 **TG: dude where the shit are you**

 **TG: usually you pop in and interrupt my monologue by now with something along the lines of "bluh okay im here shut up with your weird rambling and off the wall metaphors already and get to the point"**

 **TG: so im gonna go ahead and do your job for you**

 **TG: youre welcome by the way**

 **TG: look at me taking care of everyones jobs its like butler island up in here for like the thousandth time**

 **TG: haha remember that analogy from who fucking knows how long ago**

 **TG: cause i do**

 **TG: fuck anyways what im trying to do is get to the point here**

 **TG: so**

 **TG: the point is**

 **TG: were getting a lil worried dude**

 **TG: you havent been really showing up to the friend gatherings and shit lately**

 **TG: and everyone knows your excuses are absolute bullshit**

 **TG: youre many things but a good liar isnt one of them man**

 **TG: like i barely see you anymore whats up with that**

 **TG: well since youve obviously fucked off to who knows where im gonna go i guess**

You check your computer right as he's about to cease pestering you. You decide that you should probably reply, because failing to do so would just end up with even more instances of people messaging about your well-being. You'd prefer to avoid that circumstance, to be honest.

 **EB: hey! sorry, i was kinda distracted for a while there.**

 **TG: oh damn look at that hes come back from the dead**

 **TG: fucking incredible**

 **TG: its a goddamn miracle someone bust murder clown outta the fridge to gaze upon this wondrous spectacle**

 **TG: this shit should be recorded in the goddamn history books**

 **EB: oh shh! can't a guy take a ten minute walk in peace without getting like a zillion messages?**

 **TG: well sure**

 **TG: if you werent you and i wasnt me then yeah thatd be a thing that would happen**

 **TG: but cmon man you know i got a lotta shit to say and theres no way in hell you having scampered off to god knows where is gonna stop me from running my mouth**

 **TG: anyways did you read any of the shit that i sent before or do i need to repeat all of the points i just made**

 **EB: no, no need for that. i read what you said.**

 **TG: so**

 **EB: so?**

 **TG: cmon egbert it should be obvious**

 **TG: what do you have to say about it**

 **TG: is something bothering you or what**

 **EB: i'm perfectly fine. i don't even see where you would get the impression that i wouldn't be!**

 **TG: are you serious**

 **TG: dude there was a literal prank off last week and you were mia**

 **TG: a prank off**

 **EB: okay, yes, i did miss that. but for good reason!**

 **TG: and what the fresh hell would that be**

 **EB: i was uh...**

 **EB: i was finishing up that piece that i've been working on!**

 **EB: i wanna give it to you for remixing asap.**

 **EB: even last night i was up until like 3 a.m. working on it!**

 **TG: thats it**

 **TG: thats your big whoops shit sorry i missed the one thing that im known to love to no end excuse**

 **TG: cmon dude i think we can both agree you can do better than that**

 **EB: okay okay! so i haven't exactly been myself lately. so?**

 **EB: everyone is going through the same thing!**

 **EB: we are all dealing with stuff.**

 **TG: ok while that may be true**

 **TG: question is who have you actually talked to about this**

 **EB: well i can't say that i have talked to anyone about it.**

 **EB: but i don't see why i should! everyone has their own stuff to deal with. it seems unfair for me to add to the pile!**

 **TG: oh come on you know literally any of us would be willing to listen**

 **TG: hell some of us would be ecstatic to hear about your angsty teen emotional baggage**

 **TG: not to say any names**

 **TG: rose**

 **TG: but even people who dont get off on people spewing their emotions everywhere**

 **TG: like me or hell even karkat**

 **TG: hes a surprisingly good listener you know**

 **TG: he actually pays attention to what you have to say when he closes those shouty lips for two goddamn seconds**

 **EB: okay yes, but my problems are stupid and not even that big of a deal to begin with.**

 **TG: seems big enough for you to be bothered by it**

 **TG: so i wouldnt say they dont matter man**

 **TG: thats bullshit**

 **TG: youve been missing out on a lot of shit lately**

 **TG: its unlike you**

 **TG: youd never pass up a prank war with your dad man**

 **EB: yeah but...**

 **EB: nevermind.**

 **EB: i gotta go.**

 **TG: what the fuck**

 **TG: you literally just got here dont bail out on me like that**

 **\- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 13:04 -**

 **TG: john**

 **TG: jesus fucking christ**

 **\- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 13:04 -**

The thing was, something was bothering you. Quite a bit, actually. After the game ended, you actually realized how much you had been affected by everything that had happened. While you were playing, there was simply too much shit to do to give it much thought, your time on the prospitian ship excluded. You not dealing with your problems on the three year trip with Jade was just the work of pure denial and shit coping mechanisms. Now the three years worth of problems is catching up to you, and being the idiot you are, you're still trying relentlessly to suppress it for a long as possible.

You have to face it eventually. Every single day a reminder shows its head, in a conversation, or in an action, or in simply seeing a person, and you almost let it all out right then and there. You're almost to your limit, you can feel it. That's why you have been showing up to gatherings less and less, so that there's less of a chance that you're around a bunch of people when it finally happens.

Your favorite activities are turning into reminders now. That piano piece you used as an excuse for Dave was bullshit, the piece existed, but you hadn't worked on it in weeks. Hell, you barely got a minute's of the piece written down before you stopped. You had a feeling Dave knew that. Why does everyone have to be so goddamn observant? Sure, it wasn't that hard to see, but you don't think you're that transparent. You guess it's the lack of a larger objective that's making it harder for you to hide it. Or maybe it was the fact that you were now fully aware of the issue. Either way, you blame SBURB ending.

It's not that you'd rather still be playing the game, because it was hell and the only reason you're in this predicament in the first place. You just wish it had never happened. While this new life was certainly better than being trapped in what seemed like a never ending fight for your life, you can't help but admit that you miss your old life. It wasn't exactly better than this one, both have their pros and cons, but the past life you led had your neighborhood, your house, your school, everything you knew. The past life you led had your dad.

You knew that was the real problem here. While the game caused you many long lasting problems, you knew that your thoughts were over-generalized. Losing your father was probably the biggest blow to your mental health, and your extended refusal of facing his death and dealing with it like you should was just building on that damage.

The aforementioned reminders were bringing back memories of your dad, of course. The piano, the pranks, the smell of cake every time you walk into your kitchen, and of course Dad Crocker. After seeing the alpha version of your dad and reuniting with him with a hug, you assumed that things would be better. And they were, for about a week, maybe a week and a half. But the thing is, living with someone who looks and acts exactly like someone you knew and loved gets hard. You make the mistake of not thinking, and looking at them, and suddenly they aren't separated in your mind. You regarded him as a sort of replacement, for as long as you possibly could at least. But the only way he remembers you is as his own father, the you from his universe. He has no memories of raising you. He simply isn't the same person, and treating him as such would just inevitably let you down.

So eventually, because of your own shit that you had neglected to deal with, you naturally started feeling terrible whenever you were around him. Which led you to, again, instead of dealing with the problem in the first place, cutting yourself off almost completely. Which in turn led you to seeing your friends less, because the man was like the ultimate dad so naturally he would start adopting these sad paradoxically cloned orphaned children.

So to put it simply, you are in quite the predicament here. Except you aren't really, because all of this could be for the most part solved if you dealt with it instead of dancing around the issue as if you're unaware that it exists in the first place. But you're a fully aware dumb butt with bad coping mechanisms and a plethora of other angsty kids around you that you for some reason refuse to confide in. So there's that.

Speaking of other angsty kids, Rose pesters you about half an hour after you end your conversation with Dave. Unlike Dave's approach, however, she gets to the point right away.

 **\- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 13:35 -**

 **TT: I gather that you've been quite the elusive character as of late.**

 **TT: Care to give an explanation to these absences or are you just going to slip through our fingers yet again?**

 **EB: sorry rose, but i'm not exactly in the mood for talking about this right now. can it wait?**

 **TT: I don't believe anyone is ever "in the mood" for such a conversation.**

 **TT: But I do believe that these conversations need to occur.**

 **TT: If not with me, then with someone else.**

 **TT: But you and I both know that you can't go on like this for much longer, John.**

 **TT: With that said, I'll leave you to decide what you are going to do.**

 **\- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 13:38 -**

God damn it. Why does she always have to be right?

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Comments are always greatly appreciated!


	2. Chapter 2: Wow Emotions Sure Are a Thing

Hi hey guess who's not dead after another year it's me I'm not dead

Anyways here's chapter 2!

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You aren't sure what to do. They know something's wrong, you know something's wrong, but in all honesty during your frantic attempts at avoiding any sort of situation where you faced your emotions, you haven't spent an excessive amount of time exploring the nuances of your issues. It has something to do with your dad, that much is obvious, even to you. But you don't really want to be talking to someone while the rest dawns on you.

You know that Dave is going to keep pressing. You aren't sure how much longer avoiding it would work. Maybe if you just voice your discomfort in talking about it for long enough he'll go away? No, that would never work, he's Dave. You decide to take a walk. Maybe to think about things, maybe not, but you know that getting out of your house to aimlessly explore the seemingly endless forests of this new world always seems to improve your mood, and bring the crushing feeling of anxiety down a few notches when it shows its ugly head.

You're a bit tentative to admit it, but you really do have a shitload of anxiety lately. It really sucks. All of your life you had experienced random bouts of the feeling, both with and without a reason backing it, but nothing quite like this. That was inconvenient at most, this makes you feel like you can't breathe, like the whole world is coming down on you. Despite all of this, you stubbornly assure yourself that you're fine. Everyone else must be much worse, after all. They're the ones who actually did everything, and died the most. You don't feel like it's fair to get whiny and mopey like this. You had a great life even before the game, and you should be grateful for that! They came up with all the plans, and risked their lives all the time, and were super cool and heroic and deserve to get help if they need it. You, however, you just got yourself killed like three times and talked to lizards. _You_ should be asking how _they're_ feeling, if anything!

This train of thought just makes you feel worse, so you decide not to continue it. You look around and realize you have no idea where you are. A new area of forest, apparently. This doesn't worry you, you'll have no trouble retracing your steps back home. For now you take a seat on one of the mossy, exposed roots of a large tree, which twists high above your head into a green, lush canopy. It's a gorgeous sight, which is part of the reason why you go on these walks so often. You just sit there for a while, taking in the various details of your surroundings. You didn't get too many views like this while living in the suburbs of Washington for sure.

There's a get together for dinner tonight, as there is once or twice a week. Most of the time you all just individually take care of food, but early on it was agreed that it would be nice to coordinate a few dinners a week so some of us (Striders, specifically) weren't only living on microwaveable instant noodles and other foods of questionable nutritional value. You're like one excessively big and extremely unorthodox family. It's nice, except you haven't shown up the past couple of times.

You sit there staring blankly at another large tree in front of you, but you aren't actually looking at or focusing on it. It's just the place where your eyes go, the default being staring straight ahead. Your mind is elsewhere in actuality, as you silently debate with yourself as to whether or not you should go.

After your conversation with Dave, you figure that you should attend, if only to put emphasis on your claim that you're fine. You're perfectly fine, and if you want to you can go to these get-togethers without a single problem. You hope that you can do it without any problems. There's no reason why you shouldn't, you're just being dumb. That's all. It'll pass.

You've lost track of how many times you've told yourself that.

You finally pull yourself to your feet, taking one last look around before beginning your trek back. You're going to go to dinner, and it's going to be fine, and problem free, and it's going to be great. And you can tell yourself that you're fine and it'll mean something.

Much to your dismay, that's not exactly how it goes. You get back home, take a much needed shower, and throw on some fresh clothes. You then head in the general direction of Jane's house, a place that before now you had been avoiding basically like the plague. So, understandably, people were wondering where the fuck you could have been all this time.

"John! Where have you _been_? We've missed you!" Jade's lighthearted voice reaches your ears as soon as you walk through the front door, where these dinners tend to take place. Despite the overall cheery tone, you could tell that there's a hint of worry in her voice, and you hate that. You smile and hug her, hoping that'll take the worry away. You're fine! It's going to be fine.

"Just busy, is all! I'm really sorry that I couldn't make it the past few times," you rub the back of your neck. It's a complete lie, and you feel terrible about it. Jane and Dad Crocker have for the most part been singlehandedly running the human kingdom, and they still host these dinners, still make an attempt to stay in contact. There's really no reason for you to not be here, you're just a big weenie and that's that. Rose gives you a single eyebrow raise and a look from across the room, which you choose to ignore. You quickly change the subject with Jade. "What about you? How's the troll kingdom? Anything new?"

This seems to distract her, and she starts going on about various stories from her time living with the others. It's nice to see her so happy and surrounded by people, she really deserves it after so long living alone. After a while you unintentionally stop listening, going into an autopilot of smiles and nods. You almost feel bad about it. Almost. Eventually Jane walks in to tell everyone that food is ready, and everyone trickles into the dining room to grab various things, some made to pander specifically to trolls, some to humans, and enough food in total to feed a goddamn village. You don't grab a whole lot of food, not feeling particularly hungry at the moment, and not wanting to take more than you could eat.

There are various conversations both just beginning and continuing, all lightheartedness and smiles. You decide that you should try to make an attempt at striking up a friendly conversation. You hadn't talked to these people in a few weeks, after all. You clear your throat a bit, getting the attention of a few who weren't already preoccupied, "So what have you guys been up to lately?"

"Ooh, well Callie and I have been makin friends with a buncha the carapaces round town! Just like back home, I mean, 'cept less flooded and shitty, hah," Roxy grins, "I've been thinkin about startin up a pumpkin farm, old habits or whateva."

You give a smile, "Oh, sweet!"

You then turn to Rose as she begins to speak, a glint of suspicion in her eyes that was probably only obvious to you, "Kanaya and I thought that it would be a good idea, as well as an interesting adventure, to make a comprehensive map of this new world that we live in. It may have the same land masses as Earth, as it is an alternate version of it, but the cities and civilizations are much different. We've gathered quite the party as well; most of us are involved." She then gives you a somewhat pointed look as she continues to speak, "I sent you a message quite some time ago about it. I guess you just failed to receive it."

"Yeah, something like that," you reply, as a slight frown momentarily spreads across your face at her small jab. You both know that you had seen the message. "But it's nice that you all have been going out and exploring! It sounds like a lot of fun!"

"Oh, and just the other day I finally got Dad back for all of those pranks over the years!" Jane chirps, smiling wide.

"I wouldn't say that you had completely evened out the score, but yes," Dad Crocker chuckles, "you did well with that pie to the face. I'm proud, you're becoming quite the prankstress." Jane gives a grin, but you feel a twinge of- well, something. Something that you don't like, when you hear the sound of his voice. In all honesty you hadn't even noticed his presence before now. You somewhat force a small smile and a nod, though you really do genuinely feel happy for Jane.

Jane gives a grin and a nod, "You really should be over more often, it's always wonderful having you around! We haven't seen you in some time, are you feeling alright, dear?"

"That's great!" you swallow dryly, "Really uh, really swell. I've just been a bit busy, is all! I'll make sure to stop by more often! But uh, I just realized that I need to go take care of something really quick! So could you please excuse me?" You're up before you can even hear an answer from any of them, and you're leaving just as you hear Dad Crocker point out that you had barely even touched your food. You don't answer, you just get out, and you don't stop until you're home, away from people, in the safety of your own room. You don't bother to know how much time passes before someone is clearing their throat by your window.

"Y'know, I see what you're doing, and I gotta tell ya, you're doin it all wrong."

You look up and see Dave perched on your windowsill. You could've sworn you had it locked. You look back down.

"See, when you act like nothin's wrong, you gotta at least believe it yourself first. Otherwise you're just fulla BS and everyone knows it."

He sits next to you on your bed. You don't answer.

"John, hey, look at me and tell me what's up. Please?"

"Nothing," You finally look up and give him a smile. It's not very convincing. "It's fine, I'm fine, it's not a big deal. I'll be fine."

"Are we just gonna go in circles all day or are you actually gonna tell me? Cause I ain't leaving until you do."

"It's dumb."

"It's not dumb, and you know it."

"You've had it worse."

"Who _gives_ a shit if I've had it worse? It ain't some shitty competition on which angsty brooding teen can pull a bigger emo sob story outta their ass for the world to ooze sympathy at, this is something that's buggin ya and I'm here to help. So spill, Egbert. I'm not gettin any younger here."

"We're immortal, so you're not getting any older, either." You playfully raise an eyebrow at him, but the lack of emotion in your voice scares even you.

He lets out a breathy laugh, "Well, ya got me there. But that gives you all the more reason to spill, dude. Do you really plan on spending eternity like this? Trust me, knowing from experience, even 16 years of that shit is exhausting. Now imagine eternity. Not a pretty thought."

That scares you even more than your current apathy. Something has to change, or you really are going to spend all of eternity moping in your own self pity. Pretty pathetic, honestly. You take a deep breath, still avoiding his eyes.

"It's… hard to explain," You mutter. It's actually all fairly simple, there's just a lot of it.

"Now we're getting somewhere. Hard to explain doesn't mean impossible, dude. Just start with the simplest shit and go from there."

"That's the thing, I-" You take a deep breath. Even thinking about it is making you emotional. Now imagine actually coming out and saying everything, holy jesus. You pause for a moment, "I miss my dad." That's a gross understatement, but as simple as you could have put it.

"You have Dad Crocker," Dave offers.

"But that's not him! That's not _my_ dad, that's Jane's dad, and mine's- mine's fucking _dead!_ " You didn't mean to snap, and fuck, by the look on Dave's face, he didn't expect you to either. Your hands are shaking. When did your hands start shaking? You take a deep breath before continuing, "He looks like my dad and he- he talks like him and he acts like my dad but he's not…" you trail off, and shit, you're starting to cry. "He doesn't remember me, Dave. To him, I'm just the young version of some alternate timeline me that I never even had the chance grow up to become. All of this is just so _fucked_ up, and every time I look at him I see- I relive-" You choke back a sob. You relive the blood, the shock, the thought that if you had gotten there just a little sooner, maybe, just _maybe_ , your dad would be here too. Because Jane's dad lived, and it was your own damn fault that yours didn't. You curl in on yourself, unable to stop the tears from flowing freely at this point. You talk much more quietly, voice shaking and laced with a level of pain that five minutes ago you didn't even know you were feeling, " _I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye._ "

You start to cry harder. You hear a faint "C'mere" before arms are around you, and then you're just sobbing into his shoulder and you can't fucking bring yourself to stop, or even care at this point.

"Just let it all out," He mutters in an attempt to comfort you. You're currently a mess, all tears and choked sobs, shaking and heaving as you grip his shirt as if you're hanging on for dear life. He brings gentle fingers through your hair, and you can tell this isn't exactly the role he's used to being in when it comes to this kind of situation. Regardless, he's here for you, and that's all that matters. He lets out a sigh, tugging you a little bit closer to him, "See, this is why you don't hold this shit in for this long. It fucks you up. You never actually grieved over him, did you?" You shake your head. It was your birthday, and you had shit to do, and had also just died and come back. You didn't exactly want to deal with it at the time, or any time after that.

"This shit ain't healthy. Took me 16 years to realize that, don't want the same thing to happen to you too. Gotta let people in to help you, ya know? Gotta let yourself deal with shit and move on. You can't move on if you're just ignoring it. And guess what? I never woulda figured that out if I didn't talk people about it. Wasn't exactly raised to be the most open and emotional dude on the planet, but you gotta do what you gotta do." You're barely registering what he's saying through the sobs, but some part of you understands. He was right, you can't keep living like this. But it hurt, everything hurt and you just want to make it stop, because it's too painful to deal with and you don't think you _can_ deal with it. It felt impossible at 13, and it feels impossible now.

It takes you a while to calm down, and Dave had gone quiet to let you cry. You eventually quiet to a few hiccups and shaky breaths, sniffling as you pull away to wipe your eyes. Jesus, how embarrassing, Dave's shirt is practically soaked, and your eyes are so swollen you can barely see. You're honestly and truly a fucking mess.

"You good?" He cautiously asks, one hand on your shoulder as if you could break again any second, concern deeply rooted in his voice. He had never seen you like this, no one has. You can't remember the last time _you_ had, even. You heave a few more shaky breaths before giving a nod.

"Yeah, yeah I'm- I'll be fine," You give a wet laugh, out of embarrassment more than anything, "Hey uh, sorry."

"Don't be. Wouldn't be here if I didn't wanna help ya through this, right?"

You give a weak smile, "Yeah, you're right. you should probably go back to the others, don't wanna miss all the fun stuff going on, right?" You wipe your eyes again, taking in a deep breath through your mouth, because there was no point in even attempting to breathe through your nose right now.

"If you think I'm gonna ditch you for some underseasoned chicken then you're sorely mistaken, dude," He briefly gets up to grab the nearest tissue box, handing it to you, "I'm stayin right here and you're gonna have to fuckin deal with it."

You smile, blowing your nose, "You really don't have to, but… thanks." You really don't want to be alone right now, anyways.

"Don't sweat it, man. Hey, would a movie cheer you up?" Not the most graceful transition from the massive sob fest that just occurred, but you'll take it.

"Yeah, that sounds great, actually."

"Sick."

You get up and follow him to your living room, settling into the couch cushions as he raids your pantry for snacks. Maybe, just maybe, you'll be able to deal with this after all.

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As always, comments are greatly appreciated!


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